Land of the Rising Gas
by:
Kevin Burns
Few people stop to think much about it when
they fart. Unless it happens on a crowded
elevator,then everyone thinks about it.
You may not have pondered the fact that
there are over 400 different kinds of gas in
one human fart, and Japanese of course are no
exception. Japanese routinely let them rip to
the tune of 80 million litres of fart gas
every day of the year. I haven`t even included
hot air bags like Tokyo Governor Ishihara
either! If all the people in the world could
be synchronized via the internet to buff on
cue, they would emit 4.2 billion litres of
butt gas, and that would fill 3.5 Tokyo Domes.
Not a pretty picture I know. Just think of the
Dome`s maintenance staff!
I have often thought that my friend Doug`s
expellations were particularly putrid, but no!
According to research, Japanese young women
expel especially smelly ones these days due to
constipation. Half of the young women of Japan
are afflicted. Doctors point to dieting as the
culprit in this case. Dieting leads to a loss
of muscle tissue in general, and loose stomach
muscles in particular, which in turn leads to
constipation, and farts that would make even
Doug blush!
Help you gasp! I`m dating a Japanese woman,
what should I do? Is there anything that can
be done, Kev? Unfortunately, I am at a loss
and it isn`t only dieting that make some
elevators smell like Kawasaki. It is also
because the Western diet has found popularity
among Japanese palets. Simply put, Japanese
are eating more meat.
Indeed, the fast paced lifestyle of Japan
leads to increased stress, and worsens one`s
intestinal condition. Perhaps because of this
busy lifestyle, people don`t have as much time
to exercise. Without regular exercise, we
aren`t regular, and our bowels don`t move
smoothly (extend and shrink well--as one Tokyo
doctor, a proctologist I presume, was quoted
as saying).
One shocking part of the study revealed
that if you try to prevent a fart, it will
actually get you in more trouble and could
affect your love life! If you refuse to fluff
one (as my Uncle Stan used to say), then the
gas is absorbed into your blood and travels to
your lungs. Then it comes out of your mouth,
smelling just as terrible. Let one rip before
you exchange lips with your special someone I
like to say. It is a shame when couples break
up over mouth farts. It wasn`t that garlic
your partner ate the night before.
This problem isn`t purely a Japanese one of
course, it also takes place in space. After a
fatal accident involving Apollo 1, NASA was
forced to re-evaluate their safety measures.
The accident involved gas and some at NASA
suggested that even one fart might have caused
the calamity. They started their analysis at
that point. Finding that farts contain
methane, they proved that farts can burn.
Herman, my boy scout buddy regularly proved
that on camp outs, but that`s another story.
NASA analysed many farts and found that
some do not include methane. It depended on
what the farter had eaten. Eating
carbohydrates tends to produce a methane based
fart, while eating meat or space food that is
meat based, produces an expellation that is
methane free or low in methane. This tends to
cause the fartee (or recipient of the fart) to
do a severe space gag, and possibly knock one
of the controls out of whack. This of course
could lead to a serious accident.
The drawback to all of these findings was,
that low carbohydrate space food doesn`t
produce the dreaded methane fart, but does
produce a fart like Doug`s. In space, no one
can hear you fart! But they can sure as hell
smell a fart after some gaseous Neil Armstrong
has had his ration of low carb space food. It
stinks up the whole lunar module man! No
wonder few astronauts ever opted for a second
mission and everyone wanted to go for a space
walk! Japanese astronaut Mamoru Mouri, who
served on the Space Shuttle remarked that when
someone farts in space it doesn`t dissipate,
"...it becum rump of gasu travelling through
space shuttle. Sometime it strike fellow
astronaut nose. Honto ni kusai!" (It smells
just terrible,") he related. "It often happen
in shuttle, but feeling is mutual," he
finalized.
So there you have it, let`s be careful out
there; and as my father saw on a Scottish
grave stone:
"Aire we be, let wind blow free."
by Kevin Burns
at great personal risk
(Researched by T. Yamaki under much duress.
*Ms. Yamaki has shown no side effects, so far,
from this research.)
