The Perks of Global Warming
by:
Nola L. Kelsey
Marya Mannes once wrote, “The earth we
abuse and the living things we kill will, in
the end, take their revenge; for in exploiting
their presence we are diminishing our future.”
Obviously Ms. Mannes preferred the status quo
- health, sanity, logic, blah, blah, blah.
Why? Green House Roulette is so much more
intriguing.
In the country, weather affects everything.
For five years Western South Dakota has been
gripped by drought. Water and hay are
vanishing. Farms and ranches are blowing away.
While the government bails out victims from
hurricanes and says, ‘South Dawho?’ our cattle
are pissing dust mites. Fortunately, things
are looking up.
There is some good news! Those pesky
glaciers are finally melting off! Last year an
eight-nation report estimated an area of
Arctic icepack the size of Texas and Kansas is
gone. For those who are geographically
impaired, that is an area bigger than a
breadbox.
At first, news of devastating global
climate change might seem a bit of a bummer.
Then I read an LA Times article and had a
change of heart. The article began with the
usual gloom. Greenland’s ice cap is melting.
Our coasts will flood from rising seawater.
Inuit hunters are falling through thinning
ice. Melting glaciers change ocean temperature
and salinity contorting the jet stream, which
results in altered weather patterns worldwide.
Multitudes of species are dying off . . . It
was disheartening.
Then I got to the article’s final
paragraph. Bam! My faith was restored. Here
the Times pointed out the perks of global
warming. Seriously, the article actually ended
saying: “The report is not all gloomy. A
warmer Arctic could increase the number of
some species, such as Arctic char, a fish. It
could extend the growing season for wheat in
Canada and open up now-treacherous sea routes,
such as the Northwest Passage and the Northern
Sea Route, which parallels Russia, for
shipping and resource exploration.”
Three cheers for the LA Times! It’s true!
All is not gloomy. With that glorious bit of
sunshine pumped straight up my ski bibs, I was
able to see things in a whole new light. I
started thinking of other advantages to global
warming. Soon you will agree that people from
all walks of life will benefit.
For starters, Inuit Hunters will benefit!
Once Inuit have nothing left to hunt there
will be no need for them to risk falling
through thin ice. Plus, by needing food they
will be ripe for a floating (pontoons, not
ice) Arctic Super Wal-Mart. “Go get ‘em, Sam.”
Boat owners will benefit! Not only will
there be smooth sailing through the formerly
bothersome ice of the Northwest Passage, but
each summer, cruise ships will be able to run
tourists straight up Bourbon Street in New
Orleans.
Scuba Divers will benefit! There will be no
more burning coral cuts. In fact there will be
no more coral. Once all the reefs are gone,
divers can pack away first aid kits and dive
straight in. A little silt never cut anyone.
Canadian Wheat Farmers will benefit! You
see, there is a 10% decrease in yield of corn
from Midwest crops for every degree of global
warming. No worries though, now wheat can take
the place of corn. Think about all those
scrumptious Wheat Dogs at the ball game. How
about popped wheat with butter at the movies
or steaming wheat on the cob? All scream
‘yummy’ to me.
While it is a bit ironic that ethanol is
made from the corn crops global warming
devastates, I am sure some aspiring chemist
will rise to the challenge of developing ‘Wheatanol.’
Imagine Canuck Wheat Farmers having more
influence than the Saudi Royal Family.
Dune-Buggy enthusiasts will benefit! The
Dakotas will soon reopen for your 4-wheelin’
pleasure. Join the Mount Rushmore Nose Climb
on July 4th! It will be a bugger of a
challenge!
Eco-Tourism Operators will benefit!
Companies could offer new “Emaciation Tour
Packages.” Tourists get closer photos of polar
bears and whales when they are too lethargic
from starvation to meander away. In addition,
long treks to Inuit villages can be avoided
once they are forced to beg on the streets of
Nome (or cashiering at Wal-Mart).
Finally, the next generation of Bush family
politicians will benefit! Once again they can
avoid addressing campaign issues, this time by
distracting dehydrated voters with witty
campaign phrases like; “No Kyoto Pact-No Ice
Pack,” or “Dead Seals Never Flip-Flop,” even
promising “No Char Left Behind.” Not to
mention offering new, SPF 80 tax credits.
Well, by golly, I do feel better! Shall we
spin the Rolette wheel some more?
About The Author
Zoologist turned satirist Nola L. Kelsey is the author of the
scathingly wicked satire Bitch Unleashed:
The Harsh Realities of Goin’ Country and
coauthor of the twisted political satire
Keeping the Masses Down. Her newsletter,
Nomadic Muse, tracks Kelsey’s escape from
South Dakota normality to her life as a
shoestring backpacker in SE Asia. More
excerpts from Bitch Unleashed and
subscriptions to Nomadic Muse are
available at
http://www.NolaKelsey.com |